Safe scrolling
Boredom can lead to many creative discoveries within ourselves and on the flip side, it can also lead to destructive patterns like stalking on exes on IG. We are in the time of boredom during this quarantine and I want to encourage you to safely scroll as we ride this quarantine out. We all have enough on our plates without adding ex drama to them— amirite?
Those of us who have anxious attachment will feel especially tempted to check up on what past lovers are doing during this time. Why? Humans with anxious attachment have the tendency to not only put people on pedestals (making that person their false God) but also a very difficult time letting past loves go. When an anxious attachment pattern attaches to an unavailable partner, it is because the other person is mimicking the behavior of the parent who caused the original trauma. Finding a person who mimics the behavior of the parent who caused the original trauma makes their inner child think It can finally heal the old wound through this situation. When the situation ends, it will feel like not only a loss of romantic love but a deeper loss of not being able to heal the original attachment wound. It is because the inner child is still trying to find healing, that letting go of an unavailable ex feels like a death. Our systems are primed to have us avoid anything that feels like a death in any physical and emotional sense and so we cling on to the idea of a person, our inner child aching to somehow get the healing they need.
However, walking away from unavailable exes is the way we find healing as the healing resides in ourselves! During, this month of continued lockdown and isolation it will VERY tempting to seek out old loves because your inner child may still be wanting to find the healing it’s been craving. It is especially important to turn inward and start the healing process for yourself versus reach out or even energetically stay involved with an ex via IG stalking. It may seem harmless and meaningless to continue to check in on an ex, but it’s actually keeping yourself energetically tied to them. Keeping exes energetically tied to you also means they are taking up valuable space in your life and taking up the space that could be occupied by new and healthier love. It’s also keeping you in your attachment wound and strengthening your attachment style. Let’s cut ties once and for all, forgo the stalking in the name of walking into our health and a secure attachment.
Here’s what to avoid while you pursue your IG feed:
Their profile— obvious, but must be said. It will be tempting to use the excuse of quarantine to check their profile to make sure they are alright during this time. Don’t fall into this trap! It has nothing to do with the quarantine and everything to do with you not fully letting go. Block their profile if it feels like it’s impossible for you to stop checking in on them every time you jump on your IG.
Their new partner’s profile— or their friends, family, etc. Social media stalking can lead to many a black hole, where you are suddenly deep into the profile of your exes’ new partner’s mom’s sister and wonder how you got there. Step away from all the people who know your ex on IG too and instead keep your focus on the people in your life.
Who is watching your stories— this is a tricky one! I think it’s generally not a great idea to look at who is watching your stories unless it’s for a business thing and you’re trying to maximize your viewing. Right now, I think it’s really unhelpful to look at who is watching as there may be an ex who is watching and it can re-trigger you to reach out/rehash what happened. And it can be harmful to those that are finally making some progress of releasing an ex and then see that every person is watching the stories. It can lead to a spiral of, “what does this mean?!” or “should I reach out?!”. Let yourself stay in blissful ignorance of who is watching your story and keep your focus on YOU.
Moral of this post, avoid engaging in behavior that will keep you tied to the person you’ve already walked away from. Allow yourself to fully let go and fully move on with your life. Having more time on your hands is the perfect opportunity to create some real healing for yourself. If you’re still in a place of hurt or confusion over a recent breakup, use the below exercise to bring you some more clarity as to what you gained from the experience. The clarity can remind you of what is most important, your growth and encourage you to keep moving forward on your path, versus veering into the past.
I got this exercise from Deepak Chopra’s 21 Day Prosperity teachings:
Take out your journal and write a letter of gratitude to the person or persons that hurt you recently. Tap into all the things you learned through the relationship and use those lessons to find gratitude for the experience. When you sit down to write if you find yourself staying in the space of anger/hurt/frustration, turn to a fresh page and write down all of the hurt/anger/frustration and tear it up in pieces or burn it when you’re done. Try the gratitude exercise once again.
This exercise will help you reframe the experience from a victim space— they did x and they are a terrible person, etc and I got heartbroken, etc- and into an empowering one- I was able to see this pattern, I learned this and now I can use these tools to move into something better suited for me, etc. Often when we get into an anxious/avoidant trap or a relationship that ends in a hurtful manner, we focus on what the relationship took from us. However, everyone is our teacher and every relationship is providing valuable lessons we needed to further our growth. If you’re learning the same lesson over and over, you need to learn it until it sticks and you can consciously choose to raise your worth to start learning something new.
If you’re having trouble getting over an ex, I look forward to connecting over a session.
photo via Pinterest.