Direct communication
When we are stuck in our attachment, we typically don’t communicate directly. Instead, we will do a lot of indirect communication— mixed messages, projecting our feelings onto the other person, growing distant, trying to get more attention, etc. We will want our partners to read our minds, know what we need and provide it, and when they don’t (because no one can read our minds!) we will feel resentful. This promotes an unhealthy dynamic in our relationships.
How does this look? Let’s say you’re in a new relationship and you’re talking about where things are going in a casual way. A human stuck in their anxious attachment might say something like, “Yeah, I’m cool with just seeing where this goes, no pressure.” When in reality, they know exactly where they want this to go— they want a relationship, to be exclusive now and will be VERY hurt/upset if their partner is dating other people. This is sending out a mixed message. This will lead to a lot of suffering and unnecessary drama if/when the other partner steps outside the relationship and then suddenly is hit with a wave of hurt/anger from the partner who was playing it cool.
We need to directly communicate in relationships. Is it hard? Yes! Will it feel terrifying at first? YES! Do we keep showing up and doing it anyway? YES! This is how we start slowly pulling ourselves out of an insecure attachment and into earned secure attachment. The communication has to be direct though to be doing the real work. When I say direct communication, it means you need to say what you actually mean/feel/want/need. This means you have to take ownership of yourself, show up for you and stop self abandoning (we self abandon when we want carrying for our needs first and foremost). We have to get clear on what we need/want/feel and then we need to see where we can provide our sense of fulfillment, happiness and peace FIRST and then communicate our relationship needs to our partners second.
Using the example I did above, the human who wants a relationship and wants to be exclusive with the person they have been seeing would communicate directly when the the status of the situation was brought up in conversation. They could say, “We’ve been seeing each other for x amount of time and I feel comfortable knowing I want to be exclusive with you. I am looking for a relationship so, I am wanting to move in that direction with this. What do you think about being exclusive?” Direct communication is to the point, states the facts and then asks the other person what they think/feel about what was said. It’s bold! It also allows you to be fully in control of yourself and gain the clarity you need in situations. If the above person’s partner said, “Whoa. Okay, yeah that feels like a lot. I want to keep things casual.” Then the human who wants the relationship can now know this person in front of them isn’t seeking the same thing and can let them go to find the person who does want the same thing. Direct communication clears the bullshit out of the way for you! If you’re indirectly communicating, you’re wading in a lot of bullshit. You deserve to get clear.
If you’re having trouble directly communicating, I look forward to connecting over a session.
Image via: Sun Potion