Trading sex for intimacy
Humans with anxious attachment have a catch-22 when it comes to sex. Moving too quickly into physical intimacy can activate their attachment style. Still, by choosing to move slowly physically, they can also get activated by the anxiety that waiting will make their love interest walk away. Often, a human in their anxious attachment style will go with the first option, rush into hooking up, and trade sex for intimacy.
When a human with anxious attachment trades sex for the intimacy, they are hoping that by giving their bodies to a potential partner means the partner will now not abandon them. Why? It is one of the activating strategies (behaviors to create intimacy with another) of a human in their anxious attachment style. Trading sex for intimacy is almost always unconscious behavior and the person with the anxious attachment does not realize they are getting physical with a potential partner to solidify the bond. What is happening unconsciously for the anxious attachment person is they will feel after sex or even various foreplay that the physical act means a more profound emotional relationship is forming and can provide a false sense of intimacy.
The false sense of intimacy can lead the partner with anxious attachment to believing the relationship is further along than their partner feels it may be and will create a disconnect between the two. The dynamic I’m describing more often than not happens between when one person has an anxious attachment and the other an avoidant attachment. The partner with avoidant attachment can move quickly into sex without any emotional attachment and often, for the avoidant partner, sex is unconsciously the goal. Once they receive it, they will start to create distance in the partnership. The distance will activate the partner with anxious attachment even further and now we are in the anxious-avoidant trap.
For the anxiously attached partner to move into an earned secure state and health, they need to slow down. I know this isn’t the fun advice and it’s one of the hardest things for a human with anxious attachment to do. However, the opposite is the medicine in this case. What do I mean by slowing down? It means allowing enough time between dates that you can get a clear head about the situation and how you feel versus seeing a new partner three times in the first week. Slowing down means checking and being responsible for yourself through the dating process. Asking questions like- Are you activated? Are you seeking validation? It also means getting to know your partner without bringing the physical in as you initially get to know each other. Allow the emotional bond to grow organically, slowly so you can see the intimacy between the two of you is real and not raging hormones.
If you are trading sex for intimacy and aren’t sure how to stop, I look forward to connecting over a session.
Image by: Maria Guzman