How to get over a breakup
This week is breakup themed and what better way to round it out than by talking about how to get over a breakup? Breakups are difficult, tender and emotional. You know this and I know this. My last two breakups have been respectful, loving and we separated as friends. However, feelings still arose and I’ve discovered some great tips for helping to process and move forward:
Speak your peace: This is the MOST important aspect in my opinion. It will feel really hard to move on, if you keep feeling like you didn’t say everything you need to during the breakup. On my IG I shared how to have a peaceful breakup and talking it through is one of the steps. When you’re talking it through, be sure to say everything! Say it with love, respect and grace of course, but say it all, even if it’s vulnerable. It will give you a sense of completion and remember; confidence is knowing you can handle any emotion that comes your way. This isn’t saying something to prevent the breakup, typically you’re breaking up for a reason (trust it!) and speaking your peace won’t change the outcome. It will allow you to feel peace. And that’s what matters.
Stop talking: After you’ve spoken your peace and both of you had said all you need to say, stop talking. Even when I end as friends with an ex, I tel them when we are over this, let’s be friends. I don’t jump straight into a friendship. If we do jump straight into a friendship, it’s just trying to stay in the relationship under the guise as friends. Boundaries get blurry and feelings will get hurt. Do yourself and your ex a favor and give each other a lot of space. Also, some times you just can’t be friends with certain people and that’s okay too. You can end a relationship with love, respect and grace AND not want to be friends. No matter what though, give yourself a long period of time without talking.
Give yourself couch time: I always tell a client or a friend going through a breakup to give themselves a set amount of time to just lay in bed or on the couch and be really, really sad. Eat the ice cream, listen to the breakup songs ad watch the movies that make you cry. Give yourself time to wallow. Then when the time you allotted is up, keep feeling, but stop wallowing. Depending on the length of the relationship you might need a week or two or longer. When that time is up, than you start allowing yourself to heal.
Lean on your community: Talk to your friends! Ask them to listen and tell them you don’t need advice. Allow yourself to vent. After you’re done venting, ask your friends how they are and what’s going on with them. It will help to hear about their lives and their wins/loses too. When you’re out of your wallowing phase, make sure you are hanging out with you friends a lot to feel the sense of support and community during this time.
Get moving: After your wallowing phase, get off your butt and get moving! Exercising, even just going for a long walk, will help you feel better. It raises endorphins and if you’re in preoccupation (if so, use my preoccupation exercise) about your ex, it will cut off the excess dopamine and allow some feel good chemicals flood the brain. It’s also you taking care of you and nourishing yourself.
DO NOT SOCIAL MEDIA STALK: HUGE. DO NOT DO IT. You aren’t talking to your ex AND you’re not checking up on him. The energy you would be sending out to him to see if he’s moved on or if he’s upset is energy you need to be pulling in. Nothing positive is gained from continuing to look at your ex’s social media. They might move on quickly. You don’t need to know that because it wouldn’t be about you anyway. Keep your energy where it belongs with you and focused on YOU.
Don’t bash your ex: I get it. Bashing an ex can make it feel easier because if they are a dick than you’ll feel better that they broke up with you or that you had to break up with them. However, bashing your ex keeps you in a low self worth place. For the most part, people are doing the VERY best they can and yes, sometimes the very best they can still hurts you. Get honest about your feelings and deal with them versus name-calling and blaming. Bashing will keep you locked in cycle of the breakup longer and you want freedom. If your friends start bashing your ex you can tell them that you know they love you and that’s where the energy is coming from, but you would rather focus on ways you can heal versus all the ways your ex is a sucky human.
Take time to integrate: I am not a big proponent of jumping right into another relationship or even dating right after a break up. I always advise a client to take space for integration. Let yourself sit with the relationship as a whole; the good, the bad and the ending. What did you learn? How did the relationship help you grow? Take time to look at the lessons and let them integrate into you before moving on to dating or the next relationship as this will set you up for more success vs repeating a pattern.
Okay, those are my tips! Do you have any you would add? Actually one last one, if you’re going through a beak up and things just feel like they are getting worse or more overwhelming, seek help. I would love to guide you through a breakup to find healing.