Embracing singledom
After a relationship ends it can feel tricky to be * gasp * single again. I used to feel this way too. I’ve since learned to embrace when I find myself single as my most sacred and powerful time on this Earth.
Don’t get me wrong, I love relationships and being in one that is healthy is gratifying. However, over the last year I have begun to view my single time as just as great as my relationship time. These last 5 months of being single has been revolutionary because it’s the first time EVER I wasn’t desperately wanting to be in a relationship and actively searching for one. It felt (and still feels) fantastic to be on my own. I moved through a lot of integration over the summer as I was settling back into life in the states and it felt really important to do that work alone. I also wanted to give myself time to integrate my last relationship. It was a beautiful, joyful, healing love and I wanted to give it proper time to settle inside me before I moved forward into my next partnership. This pause between partnerships has felt refreshing, rejuvenating and empowering. I waned to share how I’ve been enjoying my singlehood this time around to offer a different way to view a thing we’ve all been taught as women to hate. Being single doesn’t mean we are sad, desperate, lonely, or unfilled. In fact, it’s been the exact opposite for me. Here’s how:
If you’re single, there’s nothing wrong with you. This comes up for my clients who haven’t been able to find a partnership, a lot. They think it’s because they are unloveable, unworthy or broken. I get it. I thought this too for a LONG time. However, it is not because we are broken that we are single. It is often times because we are in our own way BUT, the crucial point is we aren’t inherently wrong or bad. We get in our own way by not waking up to our subconscious blocks from childhood, our fears trying to teach us where we need healing and our insecurities. We believe these things as are truth. We think, “I AM this or that.” But, we are love. We are whole. We are worthy. We feel fear around x. Or we experience insecurity about blank. Those are not who we are at our core. While single, it is the perfect time to explore ourselves. Look at your past relationships and see if you can notice your patterns. Do you keep calling in the same type of guy or same situation? Journal out the patterns and ask yourself in your journal pages where these patterns stem from. Free write until the answers come up.
Being single is something to celebrate: Now that you know there is nothing wrong, broken or unworthy about you for not being in a partnership celebrate this time! This is the time you get to date yourself. Romance yourself. Explore your hobbies (I love this article about hobbies and how you don’t have to be good at thing for it to qualify as a hobby!) and find your likes/dislikes/passions/curiosities. This help you not only understand yourself better but also understand what you’re looking for in your next partner!
Start to cultivate the life of your dreams: Up until last year I was waiting for a man to come in and help me create the life of my dreams. I know. I call this Disney Princess syndrome and it’s detrimental to our lives. We do not have to “wait” for a partner to begin to cultivate the life we want. We start building where we are now, at this minute and this building will also start to shape us. The shaping and the building will help you call in another human doing the same! What have you been waiting to do? Buy a house? Travel long term (I cannot recommend this enough)? Move across country? Start a business? Decorate your house? Pick up a new hobby? Whatever it is- start now. Do it now. Your life is your responsibility and living the life of your dreams is up to YOU. A partner can add to it but, never BE it. A partner is our cherry, never the sundae.
Be selfish: My favorite thing about being in a single season? I get to be selfish. I get the whole bed! I get the the best bite of food. I get to go to the movies and see whatever the hell I want to and no one will complain. I get to stay in or go out or lounge in bed or just generally do whatever the hell I want without anyone’s opinion but my own. It’s empowering. I make my single time really sacred and I get to know myself all over again. What do I like now? How do I react to this thing? Why? I’m dating me and I am a damn fine date!
Create a list for your next partnership. I got this practice from my mentor, Lacy. She explains it best and here are two articles here and here but she goes into the full explanation here.
If you’re feeling stuck and want help moving through being single, I look forward to connecting over a session.