Integrating
I have been home for three weeks and I cannot believe it! When I got home it felt...anticlimactic. The momentum of my trip came to a screeching halt and even though I had done/seen so much, it felt like I came home empty handed.
Deciding to spend time in California when I first got back versus immediately flying back to New York was the best decision for my integration process. Being in California is giving me a chance to not only visit with my family but, also allowing me to slowly integrate everything I took in from my trip. I started out at my Dad's house for two weeks and it was a chance for me to unwind, chilllllll out and be very quiet. My Dad lives in Brentwood (NorCal) in a big house with his long term partner and their 4 adorable tiny dogs. It was very peaceful, and necessary, for me to have space when I first got back. When he was driving to me to my Mom's, he apologized for not scheduling more activities for us but, I assured him not having any plans was the best thing for me. Instead of "doing" I did a lot of reflection, writing, walking/running/yoga, epsom salt bath taking and cuddling with his dogs. All of the introspection allowed me to ground into the experience of feeling like, "now what?"
Before I left Australia I thought a lot about how I would feel returning home. I knew it would be uncomfortable and decided preemptively to look at it as a continuation of my adventure. Guy helped me realize traveling isn't about exotic destination, it's about traveling yourself. Being in my home country didn't mean I couldn't still feel similar freedom, have new experiences and seek adventure. Coming home with barely any savings left and trying to rebuild it, is in itself a whole new adventure! Armed with the attitude of "this is all part of it!" I allowed the uncomfortable feelings to wash over me.
What really started to bubble up to the surface for me was a feeling of look at all these "things" I don't have. I haven't (yet) built a lasting career for myself. I don't own a house. I don't have a big savings account anymore. I don't have any babies. Etc, etc. But, the beautiful thing traveling and the integration process showed me, is I'm still enough! When I decided to go travel, I stripped myself of outside factors that I has been measuring my worth on without even truly realizing it- job, career, money, apartment, family. I have working on raising my self worth for almost two years now and my return from traveling has been the greatest lesson in my journey thus far. Now I see with complete clarity the list of "things achieved" above doesn't define me or determine my worth. I am worthy just as I am. Strip me naked, send me homeless into the desert, without any money and guess what? I'm still worthy. I might have a hard time surviving that ordeal but, my worth isn't at stake. It may sound trite but, coming home without a lot of prospects on what to do next or how to get started, has left me with the deepest sense of peace.
What does this mean as I move forward? It means everything. I feel less attached to outside sources of worth, the things I would be using to prove to others I'm a worthy human deserving of love, and now can create for the sake of creating. I don't need to prove myself. I'm proven! I'm here.
Three weeks in, life is feeling a little less overwhelming and a lot more manageable but, I'm still settling in. I told the Universe I wanted to spend the summer in LA and my temporary stay there is unfolding without a ton of effort on my part- manifestation works folks! I'm continuing to spend a lot of time in nature (grounding), moving my body (relieve stress, move stuck emotions) and journaling my emotions as I reconnect to my life back here. The most important thing to me now is to continue to integrate my new state of worth and infuse it into everything I create and every connection I make to allow myself to fully experience this one, beautiful life I get. And to live it fully.